Have you ever wondered what it would be like if Jesus Christ, son of God, had a blog on the internet and coupled it with a soundtrack by Take That?
Hi cyberspace Jesus fans! Here’s my f*cking blog.
Day 1 – Got up. Had a big poo. Turned my own wee into wine so started on the booze early. Rest of the day was a bit of a write off to be honest. But I did manage to feed 5000 paupers with a couple of sardines and a loaf from Fred’s The Bakers. Five f*cking thousand! God I’m good aren’t I? (No seriously, I mean Dad…cos God’s my Dad isn’t he?) Cheers for the skills Dad. These people freaking love the JC down here. Jesus likes to talk in 3rd person.
“Spirits move me. Every time I’m near you. Running like a cyclone in my mind. Could it be magic now?”
Day 2 – Jesus met a leper. BOOM! CURED! F*cking boom! Just like that. Cos I can do sh*t like that…miracles and shizzle. Because I’m the son of God! Went for a walk on water after just for sh*ts and giggles.
“Babe. I’m back again. Tell you I’m back again. Babe. Where have you been?”
Day 3 – Jesus…that’s me internet freaks…met up with 12 chums for some beer and great big roast. Judas got pissed and started mouthing off as per. ‘Oh Jesus you’ve f*cking changed! Like a…well…like a f*cking Judas to be honest.’ Got nailed to a god damn f*ck off cross in the afternoon which was a bit of a bummer.
“All I do each night is pray.”
Day 4 – Dead! I’m dead! I’m Jesus Christ and I’m dead. Dead. But am I? Got bored of lying in the cave after a bit so just got up. Nobody puts Jesus in a corner. Don’t mess with the JC if you know what I’m saying.
I was so pleased with the resurrection that I went out and nailed someone myself. Not like to a cross or anything. I mean I screwed them. Again, not nail related. I shagged them. It was Mary Magdalene the town bike.
“So when you rise in the morning sun…I feel you touch my hand in the pouring rain. And the moment that you wander far from me I want to feel you in my arms again…”