Let Me List 15 Ways I’m James Bond

By Thomas William Smith

001 – His name’s James. My name’s Thomas. Both disciples of the baby Jesus.

002 – His name’s Bond. My name’s Smith. Let’s skip to number 3.

003 – James Bond is a spy. And I work for a multinational insurance company. But we both don’t play by the rules. Actually in my line of work they’re called procedural guidelines. But I don’t play by them. Well…I do. You have to if you want to maintain your customer satisfaction levels which at the end of the year relates an annual customer satisfaction related bonus at the end of the year.

Bang bang!

004 – James Bond is British. I too am British…quarter Slovak.

005 – James Bond is prepared to die for queen and country. I on the other hand have more republican views.  But I do respect the revenue the monarchy brings into the country as an outdated tourist attraction.

I’m James Bond!

006 – James Bond has a knife concealed in his shoe. And I once stood on a plastic spoon outside of a Woolworths in Taunton.

007 – James Bond is naturally suspicious of Russian allies. And I too am a semi-racist.

008 – James Bond on assignments was given many expensive gadgets used to overthrow dangerous anti-establishment groups such as the dreaded SPECTRE.  I own my own set of plastic harness bicycle headlamps designed by the RAC.

009 – James Bond drinks vodka martini and I like to drink mulligatawny soup. Both of which are clear liquids.

010 – James Bond battled a villain called Oddjob. And I had an odd job. I was captain of a canal barge on a beautiful stretch of the river Nidd.

011 – James Bond drives and Aston Martin Vantage and I also travel by transport: Bicycle. See point 8.

012 – James Bond is a widower and I’m a happily married gentleman.  Unlike James Bond, as of yet, my wife has never been shot in the face.

013 – James Bond is a man’s man.  And I’m a man…man.

014 – James Bond is a ladies man.  And I’m a man…ladies.

015 – James Bond travelled the world to make love to many beautiful women.  And I once did a sexy sex on a woman stood near a globe.

I’m James Bond!

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