The Strip – Chapter 5 of our #Eurovision novel

Our continued serialisation of What’s The Deal With Europe?  The novel that inspired the comedy movie Transatlantic Smash.

CHAPTER 5 – THE STRIP

The phrase “get buff” should not be confused with the hate group ‘Get Bough’, where dislikers of sport pundit and sexual deviant Frank Bough work out plans of how best to get him.  In the context of Taurus, I am solely talking about the past time of working out and getting fit, and almost certainly talking about getting fit to attract other fit people.

Earlier I mentioned that Ashley had once done the Full Monty at a party.  Men don’t strip off in public unless they’re very drunk or couldn’t care less what people think – or both.  This was the case with Ashley, but he had no reason to care what people thought.  Ashley had a great body.

That’s not easy for me to say.  I’m comfortable with my sexuality but not exactly happy to use the words great
and body in conjunction when talking about another man.  I’m wincing slightly as I read them together on the page; a page I’ve written.  Let’s move on quickly.

Ashley had spent several years carefully flexing and toning his body and had no qualms about getting his kit off at the party.  And as a massive Tom Jones fan, he certainly had no qualms about playing the Full Monty soundtrack.

I should point out that this is the same man who as a child wrote to Jimmy Saville and asked for Jim to fix it for him to be a Chippendale.  To be honest, Ashley was too good looking to be an oily Chippendale; they were no oil painting that’s for sure.  Ashley’s a much better looking chap.  Again, I feel slightly disturbed by the last sentence I’ve written and wish to move swiftly on.

The point is, two of Ashley’s favourite pastimes were working out and stripping off.  The story I’m about to tell features both working out and stripping off (in that order) and also a young lady along the way too.  Most red blooded males would hope that stripping off involves a young lady along the way and in this case, in Ashley’s case, it did – but in a very odd way.

The young lady in question was the girl from next door, (Hey-Jimmy’s housemate) that Ashley had previously pulled.  He’d had a little thing going on with her for a few weeks.  I say a little thing going on; it was a bloody loud thing going on and unfortunately for me, my room was situated directly below Ashley’s.

I heard everything, and I mean everything, but thankfully for this story I did or there would be no story to tell.  The young lady had gone home to visit her parents for the weekend, but it seems that she wasn’t going to let this stop her fun.  The following account of events is purely based on the phone call I overheard and the thoughts (all too graphic thoughts) that went through my head at the time.
A mobile phone rings and Ashley answers: “Hiyah!  How are you?  It’s slightly unfortunate you’ve phoned this late as merely a few minutes ago, I was indulging in the second most homo-erotic of pleasures of working out to the Backstreet Boys and then having a shower.”

Unfortunately for me this statement was true.  Who wants to hear a man grunting to the beat of Backstreet’s Back?  I had no choice I’m afraid.  It was either that or Def Leppard for a whole year.

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“I’m buff enough, I’m tough enough and hopefully I’m fit enough to do a strip-tease.”

What?  When’s he going to do a strip-tease?

“I need to ask a question though, how is a striptease going to work on the phone?”

What’s he talking about?

“That’s slightly unfeasible, I’ve done a feasibility study and that’s come up at four point three percent,” he continued.

Surely she wasn’t asking Ashley to do a striptease for her when she was on the other end of the phone!  Things had moved quickly in their relationship.  Usually by this stage in a relationship I’ve just about plucked up courage to look the girl in the eye.  I suppose that’s something you don’t have to worry about down the phone though.

“Oh ok.  I take it you’ll sort out the music?  You want me do
that as well?”

If I wasn’t worried before, I was now.

“I could use Air on G string?”

A clatter of CDs.

“I thought the only way to do it without being a cop out is to do the striptease whilst you hear the music and I relay what I’m doing.  There’s nobody in the house, but so that someone can actually see it, I’ve opened all my curtains in my bedroom but I’m going to talk you through it.”

He obviously didn’t know I was in.  It’s at this point I heard the opening bars of Barry White’s ‘You’re the First the Last my Everything’ belt out.

“Here goes the shirt.”

Shit.  He’s really doing it.  The fact that I know he’s opened his bedroom curtains, I have to admit I was tempted to go outside and watch.  I was actually tempted to get the camcorder out and film it.  I admit that now.  (Maybe I am gay.)

“I’m flexing them pecs for you baby.”

I never thought I’d ever hear anyone say that in all my days.  But that was before I’d ever met Ashley.

“I’m touching myself.”

Fuck.

“My belt’s coming off.”

I’m really glad I didn’t get the camcorder.

“I’m rubbing it between my crotch.  There’s a little bit of chaffing.  I’ll have to apply moisturiser later.  That will add to the fun.”

This can’t really be happening.

“Here comes the jeans.  The schlong is being displayed.”

I was just wondering whether he’d taken his pants off at the same time as his trousers when I heard: “It’s just popped out.”

How romantic.

“The last turkey in the shop is about to be displayed…oh I suppose I’d better do the socks first.”

What is it about English men and their inability to understand that seeing a man in his pants and socks is not attractive?  Socks should always be removed before trousers.  Likewise, when it comes to dressing, trousers should always be put on before socks.

“I’ve got one off.”

I hope he’s still talking about his socks.

“Let’s not get biblical when I’m getting my bum out.”

God only knows why he said that!  I’ve never thought to ask him.

“My bum is displayed in the window.  To tease people, I’ve got one sock in the obvious place and I’m gyrating. Striding masterfully like a gimp-Gandalf.  I was thinking about doing this to ‘Careless Whisper’.  On one of the Ministry of Sound albums there’s a remix of Careless whisper. They haven’t used a saxophone I don’t think but they have made the solo sound a little bit like the theme tune to Poirot.”

Ashley was never one to miss a trick when it came to remixes of Eighties songs.  That’s why Taurus ended up covering ‘I Love Rock n Roll’ and calling it ‘I Love Euro-Pop’.  So what if 5ive and Britney Spears had both already covered it within the last few years?  I bet Britney Spears has never done a striptease in her bedroom with the curtains open whilst relaying her actions down the phone to someone.  That’s a phone call I’d love to hear, and I wouldn’t think twice about getting my camcorder out to film that!  (Yeah, I’ definitely not gay.)

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So Ashley had yet again succeeded in taking his clothes off in public (sort of).  It just goes to show that he has no shame.  And let’s face it; you’re never going to succeed in a boyband if shame is one of your common traits.  But it’s easy to understand why Ashley has no shame when it comes to his body as he’s put so much work into it.  And that’s the kind of mentality he was trying to pass on to Patrick and Robert.
They all wanted to succeed in Taurus, so they didn’t require much persuasion from Ashley to start lifting weights.  Ashley had the gear and after a few months they were all beginning to see the benefits and thankfully for me, Ashley’s striptease phone calls had stopped.  He’d split up with the girl next door soon after.  He didn’t really care though.  He’d soon have other girls to inflict his nudity on.  In the meantime he could carry on enjoying the second most homo-erotic of pleasures of working out to the Backstreet Boys.

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