As the England cricket team lifted the Ashes today, an abandoned first draft of outgoing Australia captain Michael Clarke’s post match speech was leaked to the press. Having been convincingly beaten by England in the previous two tests, it seems like Australia had incorrectly been expecting more of the same, only to come out and hammer England at the Oval to make sure the series finished 3-2.
“Not only am I retiring from Test Cricket today,” Michael Clarke was expected to say, “I intend to burn a croquet mallet in protest of our performance in this Ashes series. When England come to Australia to attempt to hold on to the Cricket Ashes in 2017-2018, they won’t be able to. I will be leading the Australian national croquet team, something that I’ve just invented, as I reckon we can knock those out of the park!”
Whether Michael knows that the aim of croquet is to knock the balls through the hoops, rather than knock them out of the park, we’ll never know. His unread statement could have been metaphorical of course.
Had this croquet masterplan come to reality though it would have been the biggest uproar since 2001 when Nasser Hussein burnt a pugil stick and suggested that England take on the Aussies at Gladiators. This plan was quickly back tracked on though when John Fashanu tried to replace the shout of “howzat” with “awooga!”