Breaking #News: Mermaids are the true root cause of global warming

Merpeople have been confirmed as the true cause of global warming reveal marine biologists.

Only idiots still deny the evidence of global warming.  But if you were to ask your neighbour who doesn’t bother to recycle whether they believed in mermaids and mermen, it is unlikely that even they would admit to recognising their existence.  But in a new study by really clever people they have managed to trace the causes of global warming to the sirens and muscled masters of the sea.

It’s a tale (tail) that’s got everyone flipp(er)ing out.  Just think back to how much money was spent fitting catalytic converters to 4 star guzzling cars in the 80s.  How much focus have you spent on reducing your carbon footprint in the last few years? Well it turns out that it was a waste of time as mermen and women have been artificially manufacturing  a build up of greenhouse gases to push forward their evil plan to take over the world. 

If they had their way there would be very little land left and they therefore would be the master race.  Do not believe what you’ve seen in movies like The Little Mermaid and Splash.  These people do not wish to be your friend or grow legs and walk on the land.  They want to destroy your existence. 

“It’s like the most far-fetched Bond film of all time, and that’s saying something,” said one anonymous scientist who fears for his life.  “And in this one 007 will not rock up in an underwater adapted Lotus Esprit to save you.”

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If you buy toys like this for your kids you're basically a Nazi.

Exactly how global warming has been caused by mermaids is so far unclear.

“It’s too complicated to explain right now,” said our scientific adviser.  “All you need to know is that these f*ck*rs are killing the polar bears and flooding the Isle of Wight.”

Another revelation to destroy mermaid stereotypes is that they don’t even fancy you.  A mermaid captured at Scarborough Sea life centre had this to say: “Of course we don’t fancy human men like Tom Hanks.  They’ve got tiny tails which don’t even help them swim.  Most of them haven’t even got their 50 metres badge.”

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Kelly Brook is not attracted to you!

The capture of this particular mermaid, that the locals have nicknamed Adolph(in) has also confirmed why breasts are sometimes referred to as puppies.  It is now understood that mermaids do not wear shells for a bra.  They protect their modesty with the skins of baby seals, otherwise known as pups.

We’ll bring you more on this disturbing story as we have it. And if our scientific adviser pulls an explanation out of his arse you’ll be the first to know.

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