Media mogul Simon Cowell has now become so powerful that whatever he says out loud instantly becomes reality.
It’s a problem that first became evident at the weekend after this year’s first edition of the X Factor was broadcast. For several weeks, experts had been confused by why there had been an increase in reports of spontaneous combustion around the UK.
“We just didn’t understand why this was happening,” said our science correspondent. “But now we know that it’s Simon Cowell’s fault, that explains everything!” Our chief science adviser is hoping an explanation behind how mermaids are causing global warming appears from nowhere too. “Maybe Simon Cowell will know about that,” said our inept adviser.
During Saturday night’s broadcast, following an incredible audition by girl band 4th Power, Simon turned to co-judge Cheryl Fernandez-Versini and stated “things are going to blow up,” at which point seemingly random explosions started occurring around the UK.
“I haven’t seen anything like this since that episode of Round the Twist off of the nineties,” said Cheryl. “It’s sending me…well…round the twist to be honest.”
It is believed that new X Factor judges are up in arms about this revelation. “I knew he was a powerful man,” said Nick Grimshaw. “But I didn’t know that he was an actual god. I just thought that was something he put in our contracts to make us kiss his arse.”
“He told me and Nick that he’d hired us to make the programme younger and cooler. We can’t just have middle aged men spouting inaccurate catchphrases like this,” said Rita Ora. “It’s this is going to blow up, not things are going to blow up. I’ve also heard him telling people that he hates the ‘selfo’ I took of him.”
So far Simon Cowell has been unavailable for comment. We thought we’d tracked him down, but it just turned out to by Sylvester Stallone who is another middle-aged man who likes to blow stuff up. In fact, you never see them in the same room at the same time do you?