You don’t hear so much about porcupines very much these days do you? It’s like the world has been taken over by meerkats. Well, we’ve got a story to share with you to buck that trend.
Brian was a porcupine. A big porcupine, with only one testicle and a really, really bad cold! One day, he decided hed had enough of this life. He decided he was going to end it all, but how?
Well, he took out ‘The Porcupine Big Yellow Book Of Suicide’ and settled on his little meerkat skin couch. This was easier said than done though, as it’s never easy to get comfortable when you’re a porcupine and you’ve only got one testicle. After 25mins of wriggling into position, Brian decided to grin and bear the pain. This pain was pushing him towards suicide; that and the fact he couldn’t read. It was a ridiculous situation really.
“It’s a ridiculous situation!” thought Brian as he realised that he’d just spent 25 minutes failing to wriggle into a comfortable position to read his copy of ‘The Porcupine Big Yellow Book Of Suicide’, even though he couldn’t actually read.
This added to Brian’s anxiety.
“This adds to my anxiety!” he exclaimed before he had chance to realise that he couldn’t speak English either. Well, have you ever heard of a porcupine with the ability to speak English? No you say? Well, you’d be wrong actually because 84% of porcupines speak English as their first language. What’s that you say? The porcupines you’ve met must be from the other 16% of the porcupine population. Again, you’re wrong as the other 16% of porcupines live on the moon.
I hate to be the one to break this news to you, but there is life on other planets. Unfortunately, nobody really cares because they’re only porcupines; not the most intelligent creatures, as Brian will testify to. As one NASA representive shouted when Neil Armstrong reported porcupines living on the moon, “I couldn’t give a flying fox that porcupines live on the moon! We’ve got plenty of them back here and our variety speak English!” Obviously, the NASA representitive didn’t actually say ‘fox’, he said a word that sounds similar but far more rude. That’s right, he said socks.
Socks is the rudest porcupine swear word in existance and even in this day and age is not allowed to be broadcast on TV or radio. Brian would have known this if his grasp of porcupine English had been better, but the fact that he still hadn’t learnt to read was hindering his progress somewhat. If only he’d purchased the correct book from the shop earlier. Brian meant to buy the follow up to ‘The Porcupine Big Yellow Book Of Suicide’ which was called ‘The Porcupine Big Yellow Book Of Suicide For Porcupines With One Testicle Who Can’t Read.” If Brian could read he wouldn’t have made this mistake in the bookshop. He was just considering going back to the shop and purchasing ‘Learn to read for Porcupines’ when he realised that he probably wouldn’t be able to read this either.
“This is socking stupid!” said Brian. “I may as well just kill myself. Now where’s that book about suicide?”